with vibrancy of character

as i’ve said, i fully intend to quit my current job in two weeks’ time. my superiors only notice the mistakes i make. when i do something right, it makes no difference because it is expected that i do things right. its ridiculous. i end up getting an earful from my direct superior daily.

today i actually got praised by a customer. he must have felt rather curious about a young girl working in a predominantly male car garage. he asked me if i was a temp. i said yes. he then replied that it was plain to his eyes i was a temp, but that i did my work with sincere conscientiousness. lol at that moment i was still wondering whether he was actually complimenting me, so i just smiled at him and couldn’t thank him in time. but that was very nice of him, to give me a boost like that.

in my pockets of idleness at work (which come in daily, frequent spurts) i’ve thought about what taking up a temporary job is supposed to mean. money alone? social connections? learning new skills? what would you prioritise over all others?

by realising that i cannot stand working in my current job for 6 months, i’ve realised also that money alone cannot sway me to sell my time to a job.

i’ve heard from a peer doing temporary office admin work that she has to work overtime every day. i would not stand for that. i think its crazy how a job can consume practically your whole life. its just unhealthy.

i thought about how, if what i would value most from a working experience were an interesting experience and learning new skills, then maybe i should try hunting for a spot in a bubble tea outlet. since i have already reckoned that one day i will buy my own bubble tea machine and brew my own bubble tea at home, and it would be interesting to learn how to brew the one beverage i’m obsessed with. but its weird when i think about myself doing that. i know well enough it would be a tiring job, since i’d mostly have to be on my feet the entire day, and it would still pay lower than the typical office admin job.

the most fundamental thing is that a job i commit to should be able to make me happy in at least some way, except i’m not sure which factors this happiness may arise from.

my peers in their own respective holiday jobs are sharing their grouses about their jobs, and along with my own experience, i’m starting to lose faith in the existence of an ideal job. a job you can feel happy doing, which also pays you well.

how should i angle my job search from now on?

also, one insight i have gained from my current job is that the best way to make money is to be your own boss. so i don’t see why we can’t all dream a little bigger, beyond the seductive “safety” of the office job. it doesn’t have to be an office job.

05.20.13

the future has as definite a shape as water.

Law interview just over yesterday.

right now i see all the ways i could have performed so much better. i think i was too dazed and anxious and scared to think on the spot and make myself heard. (i think also because usually that’s just how i am any way.) when i had the chance to make a personal stand on an issue new to the conversation, i could have strengthened my stand by not just giving the reasons for my stand, but also by rebutting the opposition’s stand. and when i got asked what area of law i wanted to specialise in, i could have been honest and just told him i didn’t know. ‘cause seriously, i didn’t know. its perfectly fair for me not to know at the beginning what the end will look like, any way. i shouldn’t have just named him some random area of law because i could only give a damn crap justification for it. in all honesty i know my interview performance was the weakest among the three of us who got interviewed together. its not that i’m not good enough. i’m just not confident enough, even after repeatedly telling myself all the way up to the interview that i had to be. i’m a terrible actress.

my odds are against me. a B for GP already hurts my chances enough because the GP grade is so pivotal for law school admission. but on top of that i’ve got another B for Physics. i did decently in the written test, but i’m pretty sure the interview gets a far larger weightage of importance. the only way for me to neutralise my imperfect grades was to do brilliantly well in the interview, but i didn’t. i heard there are about 600+ students applying to SMU this year, and there are only 100+ seats. i’m pretty sure a portion of them will eventually move on to NUS Law and reject SMU’s offer, but that still leaves a ton of contenders for the limited seats.

i’m going to take this as a lesson. it sucks that i had to learn this lesson by diminishing my chances of entering law school, something so important to me. all life’s a lesson. if one door closes, it just means you now have plenty of new open doors to choose from. if you don’t see any new open doors, you make them happen.

i held it in my fist as a baby dream and let it go when i thought i had lost all hope. when i found out i was mistaken, i threw all my hopes back onto it and clung onto it. now i think i have to try to let go, again.

i still don’t know what else.

maybe it’s just not possible for me to know for sure, because i haven’t known much all my life (outside of school).